Just let me be

 

 

I want to be bold here, I WANT MY ADULT CHILDREN TO REMAIN HAPPY, LOVED, AND SAFE. I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY WITH ALL OF MYSELF, IF THEY ONLY KNEW…………. Unconditionally.

          In addition to this blog, I would like to hear feedback from you, questions, I will take the time to answer. I will not “share” all of the details in this blog post. However, I will answer them personally, if you want to email me @  toni_biberstine@live.com

To all the moms, including myself, that know grief, extreme pain, loss, soulless numbing feeling that gnaws at your heart.  Some days are ok, some days are so rough. I can be fine, maybe a song, movie, smell, cooking, breathing, reminds me of them. My babies, all three. Grieving someone alive is so much harder than if they had passed away, and were in heaven with Jesus.  It’s tough. Gut wrenching. Pain. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

          I am sure not most speak of it, let alone write about it. To put it out there for the entire world to see, in writing. Because if your adult child is not speaking to you, then something must be wrong with you, right? NO! This new culture is shocking to say the least, shocking to your nerve system, no amount of counseling or medicine for depression can ease this sort of emptiness. This is a disease. So many of them, in one circle. Too many.

Jesus can. I still have my faith, in the meantime, how do we cope? First, we need to talk about it. Period.  It is not spoken of, because we “parent(s)” are our worst enemies.  We internalize every tiny mistake down to “We should’ve made more time” to “Did they brush their teeth, everyday?”

          It has been over two years since I have had a real relationship with either of mine. Yes, I do have grandchildren being held as collateral damage in this mess. I don’t suggest anyone does this to any human, let alone, parents, grandparents or great grandparents. I feel it is downright disgusting! I am glad you asked, no, it doesn’t just affect me, the entire family. Family members have taken “sides” if you will. Some are invited to their “family functions” such as babies being born, to weddings, visits, connections, time, just time. Almost every time, every single time, these events are left out of conversation, or sharing with me. Nothing gets shared, even to the point I didn’t know some were involved, here I am crying on their shoulders, just to find out, they have been involved. To my bewilderment, I was trying to have real authentic conversations with people I trusted with my deepest feelings and sorrow.   Man, did I feel duped.

If my adult children can hurt me, it will be done. No hesitation, I have felt every single ounce of this pain.

          Moving on, I must, for my personal, physical and emotional health. This is a disease destroying me. I have allowed this to destroy me. No more. I am taking back every bit of my self-worth, to the depths of my core I know that I was and am a great Mother. Perfect? Not even close. Bad? Not even close.  I have decided to write about this. If I can help one other Mom going through this, then my circumstances were not a complete loss.

          One day my babies will come looking for me, and answers. Trust, I have them, written down and very well documented with evidence of all the ways I tried, and the “court documents” on individual’s, involved.